When You Unmask a Covert Narcissist, RUN, But Quietly!

Today I’m going to talk about narcissism undercover again. It is no coincidence that this post is one of my most viewed posts.

There’s something about covert narcissism and how disconcerting it is for those who find out of this for the first time, but more than that is realizing that there has been, or is, a narcissist undercover in your life.

They are the worst type of narcissist. Absolutely the worst.

Undercover Narcissists

They develop pretending to be something they are not, altruists, caring, empathetic, connected.

They pretend to be codependent. And as I explained earlier in my previous post about covert narcissism. That they get what they need from life creating, this facade, that gives them the money respect.

But at the same time are in these relationships where are they hurting people and behaving pathologically narcissistically behind the scenes.

But what I want to talk about today is what to do when you are in a relationship with an undercover narcissist. It is above all, first of all, disturbing, because you believed in this image, this personality, of a kind, benevolent and generous person, and we don’t all want to believe that the person with whom we have a friendship, the person who is our therapist, or rabbi, or doctor, or husband, wife, we don’t want to believe that goodness is true. Who really cares about us and that empathy is not a lie, but when that facade crumbles it leaves us stunned and we wonder, What the hell happened to us? How could we have been so foolish?

Victim Of An Undercover Narcissist

The first thing I want to say to all my readers, if they are the victim of an undercover narcissist, please don’t be so harsh on them.

They grow by being able to mock, they grow by being able to deceive, not because they are sociopaths or liars, but because they can’t get what they want if the world knows who they really are.

So my advice is don’t torture yourself, what I teach my clients and those who come to my seminars or read my posts with self-esteem deficit disorder, or a new name for codependency is that narcissists develop and survive because of their bad self-esteem.

The worst thing you can do when you discover a narcissist undercover is torturing you and thinking that you are stupid and you believed it and just ridicule you.

And crawl through the embers, you are just one of many many victims of this person.

When You Discover Covert Narcissists

The second thing I recommend is to calm you down when you discover the real one’s covert narcissists motives and you finally understand that what you see is not what it really is if you discover it and bring it to light, especially in public.

They have everything to win by making you look bad, by making you seem irrational, by making you look mentally ill, or just intimidate you and reprimand you until you finally back off and admit to them that you are wrong.

So let me repeat it is not to call their attention, especially in public, because they have too much at stake to lose that audience, that group of people, that job, which supplies them not just his narcissistic riches, or narcissistic perks, but sometimes their work.

Not Call Covert Narcissists Attention

The third tip, once you discover that your loved one or someone with whom you have a relationship he is a narcissist undercover, you are not going to call his attention, you are going to decide on a way out of the relationship, a way to end the relationship without an obvious confrontation.

Think of an exit plan. Make this exit plan carefully, carefully thought out, and carefully executed.

If the narcissus undercover discover your exit plan, let’s say it’s to end the relationship, let’s say it’s breaking the relationship, is to seek a divorce and you decide to call their attention, take off the mask, they are smart enough, manipulative enough and they have too much to lose so as not to discredit you and return it to you.

And remember, as most of my readers know because my posts resonate for codependent audiences, or those who are in recovery, remember, it’s just what we don’t do well, we are not good to stand firm and set limits with manipulative narcissists.

Therefore, the next step is to create a limit of protection around you.

Because just for the sake of it that you have created an exit plan and you have executed the exit plan, only that will make the undercover narcissist nervous.

Are Covert Narcissists Smart

Are they smart enough to know that if you are not part of his followers, you are not part of the audience that loves them, who longs for what they have to give and you turn away, you become cold, you establish the smallest limits?

They will know that something is wrong and again, they have a lot of reasons, they have a lot at stake, to reverse the situation against you, to make you look bad, to restore his covert narcissistic facade.

The next step, is to understand how passive-aggressive are the undercover narcissists and I can’t say this anymore I can’t stress this enough when you discover that someone is a narcissist undercover, you discover it, they are probably going to realize.

Because, you know, we are human, Like I say, you probably won’t win if you face them directly, because they are enough intelligent and manipulative and they have legions of followers who believe in this image of perfection and kindness and love.

His passive-aggressive mode will be able to bring all his followers and to all the people who believe in your cover and they will be able to make them understand what’s wrong with you.

Somehow we call to this, projection, I am you, the threat, who knows exactly who they really are, who can expose them, who catches their attention, they have everything to win making you look bad, and because they are covert narcissists they don’t do anything directly, there is no direct aggression, there is no confrontation, they are passive-aggressive reactions, retaliation is manipulative.

Passive-Aggressive Undercover Narcissist 

Sometimes hidden in what seems kind, benevolent, and even actions of appreciation. But when the undercover narcissist passive-aggressive will fight with you and they will, like I said, Backstage, they have to do it in a way that protects your image and your facade.

So the way they do it is that they are going to make you look bad, they antagonize you, in a way that leads you to defend yourself, to attack them, this is the technique that you listen what psychotherapists, not very healthy they use, where they use their psychotherapeutic superiority to defend yourself and turn against yourself and through the sophisticated use of words and dysfunctional analysis, to protect themselves, being the person who suggests that really you are the problem and not them.

There are many words for this but many people consider it mental manipulation.

How to deal with Covert narcissists

The last thing I want to say about how to deal with Covert narcissists is to understand the degree of hazard involved.

I know personally that every time that I have caught your attention to an undercover narcissist and I think of a famous person from the Internet, I think of a psychologist, a therapist, I think of a boss, I think of a friend And it’s always been a tough battle difficult not only to survive but to get out unscathed.

I have to admit that I have committed many mistakes when trying to do it in the right way and that’s why I’m making this post.

The wrong way was to assume that my intellect or my ability to argue a point could be as good as theirs and face them directly.

In almost all cases it was in this long and extensive discussion, either by email or face to face, but ultimately, In most of the cases, I found out behind the scenes how long energy and even money the disguised narcissist spent. 

They spent resources, not just to reject my claims, but to make me seem like the bad person, ultimately, resuscitating its image and its reputation.

Conclusion About Covert Narcissists

So, to all my readers, do not take charge directly of an undercover narcissist, they have everything to gain making them look bad and all his life story is about manipulating others.

Your perceptions or feelings, their expectations and manipulate them to make them believe that they are something they are not.

So it doesn’t matter that you’re right and how justified you feel wanting to face them, there is a good chance that you are going to lose.

So cut your losses identify your covert narcissism, create an exit plan, start or run it silently, without many confrontations, be prepared for battle, the one that for them is manipulating them passively-aggressively and make them look bad, to make them look like a victim and you the perpetrator and get out of the relationship.

Don’t argue with Covert Narcissists, do not go to a public forum, don’t try to prove your point, because that’s like fighting a pig and hope not to get dirty, and by the way, the pigs, as George Bernard Shaw said in his saying, to the pigs they love to fight in the mud.

As a last resort, to achieve self-love that is really the goal that all codependent or person with deficit disorder self-love, wants is to disconnect from those pigs who love to fight in the mud.

Just get out of the relationship and find either a space in which you can find and nurture yourself and love yourself and, then, reconnect with others, you will find who they are really themselves, What you see is what you get.

I’m going to tell you, after a relationship with a narcissist undercover, you will really appreciate it.

Find a way to heal the wounds, to love yourself, to reconnect with what is important to you and what you deserve, and then those relationships are going to happen and you will never be subdued again to an undercover narcissist and god forbid if they ever cross you, you will see the mask quickly.

So thank you for reading, hope my post was helpful. Take care of yourselves and be well.