How to recognize when self-deception is hiding behind your confidence.

Key points

• Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, but it becomes a problem when you are trying to pursue important goals.

• It is difficult for a person to face the gap between who he is and who he wants to be.

• People can turn into self-deception through self-compassion and a willingness to start.

I had already lost count when I said to myself, “This sounds like a great book!” I’m going to read it next time. Even if I read a book a day, I will never be able to read all the books I promise myself to read.

Who am I kidding? More importantly, why do I keep lying to myself about what I think I can achieve?

I can take comfort in the fact that I am not alone in my struggle. Up to half of all doctoral students never complete a doctoral degree. programs. They have the motivation to start and (probably) the intention to complete the training program, but in the end, their actions are far from the stated goals.

Self-deception becomes a much bigger problem when it comes to our health. I repeatedly listen to patients say, “I’m going to stop smoking and go on a strict diet!” or “I’m going to start walking for 15 minutes every day.” Many follow and make big changes. But for some, I strongly feel these commitments are misleading. How can I know?

Why do we lie to each other

One of the fundamental tenets of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is the role that personal values ​​play in motivation. When we can say with strength and conviction, “This is what I stand for,” we have the strength to keep moving forward, overcoming difficulties and challenges. When our values ​​are not clearly defined or firmly anchored, we waver in our commitment and struggle with motivation.

Related: How Emotions Are Destroyed in People with Personality Disorders

Here’s the hard truth: Personal growth isn’t our only motivation. We have a strong desire for comfort. More specifically, we want to feel good and look good, which is often more important to us than doing what is right and in line with our values.

When we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves, it is partly due to our desire to look good. We love the idea of ​​self-improvement, success, and achievement. We imagine that others encourage us and take pride in our accomplishments. Approval feeds our ego and helps us keep pretending we’re going to start a business, write a book, or run a half marathon.

How to recognize self-deception

1. The weather cancels your plans

When you’re standing up for something really important, a little rain won’t stop you. No heat, no cold, no snow, no wind, no humidity. You are lying to yourself if your plans are to be disrupted by something slightly inconvenient, like the weather.

2. You don’t have a plan

This should exist obviously, but usually, it is not. Losing weight, getting in shape, writing a book, or starting a business is no easy feat. Not getting an education, not repairing a broken marriage. You must have a plan. It’s even better than a plan if a coach helps you with a proven plan.

3. You don’t know yourself

Do you know what stories your mind is telling you about who you are? Your mind creates a collection of stories that tell you who you were, who you are, and who you will become. Here’s the problem: none of these stories are helpful. For the most part, these stories help justify your struggle and protect your ego. We need to catch these automatic thoughts and focus on who we need to become and where we want to go.

4. You have a weak choice muscle

If you had the choice between one donut now or two much later, you would choose the donut in front of you each time. This wisdom learned from research at Stanford University in the 1970s, is still relevant today. People who make conscious choices by delaying gratification are more successful in almost everything they do in life. Postponing pleasure, like everything else in life, is a skill that can be learned.

5. You don’t see your options

One of the problems we face with choosing is that we don’t see it. We automatically walk away from discomfort, usually in ways that are useless or unhealthy in the long run. To reduce stress, we distract ourselves, refuse to do anything, fight our negative thoughts, try to control our feelings, and use substances such as food, alcohol, drugs, and medications to make us feel oKay or slightly bad.

Often we don’t realize that we have another possible choice but to get away from our distress. We can accept our thoughts and feelings by giving them a place in our lives. This requires a willingness to feel uncomfortable. What could be worse if you are hungry for hours, tired during a workout, or not motivated when you write? You are better than your momentary conditions.

You lack responsibility. People who keep their commitments make their commitments and plans public. Moreover, they invite people into their lives to help them through the process of change. They live in a community of supportive people who know when they are having a hard time and need help. One of the best things you can do to keep moving forward is to join other people who are on the same path.

How to start

If you’re ready to stop making promises to yourself that you can’t keep, here’s where to start. Be willing to make commitments and break them, and then start again.

There is no rule you have to follow that says that if you break off an engagement multiple times in a row, you are in despair. You are never without hope. The “I’m hopeless” story is just one of many stories your mind loves to use when you’re struggling. It is not your past that defines you, but the direction in which you are moving.

The struggle to grow needs a lot of self-compassion. We are tough on ourselves, condemn ourselves for our lack of drive and inspiration, and underrate how useless our minds can be when we try to do something new. Take a deep breath, look with kindness and compassion at your struggle, and start over.